How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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