She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
