Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
