eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
