i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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