I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
