When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
