my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
