I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
