Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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