Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
