Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
