Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
