She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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