forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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