He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Terrible idea I love it
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
