I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
