I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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