can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
