This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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