Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just found puke in my bra..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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