It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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