my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
