i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
