haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
