my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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