dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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