I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
