I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
