Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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