We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
