Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize