Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
don't judge my taste in strippers
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I want to fling myself into the sun
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
