you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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