Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
