Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
