i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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