I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
