I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
