Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
