Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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