new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
