Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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