I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
