we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
