I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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