I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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