I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
