so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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