you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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