I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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