He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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