How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
