I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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