Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
