His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
