Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
