he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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