go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
