if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize